The mechanics of Tracy's brain...

De ja vu....

2006-10-18T14:03:00.000-04:00

I don't know
But it seems like it's going to happen again
Life seems to be such a vicious cycle
Of happiness and sadness..

I can't wait until tommorow's news.. Hopefully it'll be good..

All I want to do now is wake up from this hellish nightmare..

Superman... is Chinese...?

2006-10-13T11:04:00.000-04:00

I know this is old.. but everytime I see it makes me laugh..

You know.. I never once thought about the "Red Cross" as having Christian roots.. until I heard about the "Red Crescent".. Obviously to me (since my country is so embellished with the Christian 'culture') we don't see anything other than the "Red Cross".. or other things like bunnies as being cute.. or superman being white!!!! So Kids.. we have quite the tainted culture... ever since we came to differentiate things.. we had to associate it with other things.. we get this gi-normous of a thick lens to see through.. see things their way.. And if there was a different view we call it abnormal or other and we put this in a different category to make us comfortable and to place an identity to ourselves and to others..

Soo.. our expectations get the best of us.. yet again..

AHHHH so much segregation...! >_<

Ahhhh.. it's so pretty!!

2006-09-27T17:00:00.000-04:00

So.. I know I haven't blogged in like centuries.. and this is a poor excuse for a blog.. But I had to put it up here anyways because people have been bugging me to blog..

So playing softball yesterday (yes.. during off season) and Vicki and Brandon were playing catch.. trying to warm up their arms before class started.. and then Brandon throws this really off one .. and I get hit on the thigh.. and being the big wuss I was I started crying because it stung .. So now I have a HUGE bruise (bigger than the softball) .. it's weird because it's like a ring of purple on the outside.. and then red in the middle.. and then lines that cross the whole bruise.. I don't know what the lines are.. but yea.. that's my story..

and here's my bruise.. cheers

Through and through..

2006-06-22T21:27:00.000-04:00

So.. the days are dwindling close to nil and all that has been on my mind is whether I have everything done before I leave and whether or not I have forgotten anything..

Saying goodbyes are so hard.. *tear* (ahhh 10 more days!!!)

Through so many trials, I have realized that You have been true.. And that patience, transparency and being completely vunerable is difficult.. Even in the most unexpected places.. Evil and greed lurks everywhere.. Now if only I can discern and trust..

Currently on the scavange for a mentor.. (mentress? ha.. ) Now I just need to seek for the one for me.. heheee.. I don't know who to choose..
You know it has crossed my mind though.. *what if* you wanted someone to mentor you.. but then they say no?? *ouch* .. so comes all the possibilities..

Yes.. it's a short blog..

Coughing up a storm.. (yay)

2006-06-06T18:10:00.000-04:00

Okay.. I don't want to write a long blog.. but I was bugged to write one.. so let me tell you about something intriguing..or sad rather =b

My chinchillas..!
Yes the cute little furballs.. I don't know what to do with them anymore because I've developed an allergic reaction to them..!! I used to be able to play with them for hours..!! But now everytime I play with them and they scratch me.. I get hives in the places they scratch me! It's so sad.. being allergic to your own pets =( So I need to give the little critters away before they send me to the hospital lol cuz my reactions are getting worse and worse.. hehehe

On another note..
work has been quite the stressful.. I spent a good half an hour trying to convince an old lady that she didn't need to take out her tooth but to simply get fillings for it.. But she was all like "well.. it hurts so I'm going to take it out.. whenever a tooth hurts I'll just keep taking them out until I have none!" She was all happy and smiley about it.. not really realizing how priceless teeth were.. (especially when it costs tons to "replace" them..)

Alrite I'm done for the day! Another nap.. hehe 3rd nap of the day! I guess that's what happens when you're sick =b

Oh no!

2006-05-08T17:56:00.000-04:00

There is this dinky little fish tank that I have that holds my newt, Kimchi (yes.. it's named after the Korean cabbage spicy thing.. because my newt's a fire belly newt.. creative eh? =b) And well.. even though it's "my" newt.. I don't take care of it because my brother is the one responsible for it (long story short, we agreed that if we get it, he'd take care of it..).. So Kimchi's tank is all dirty and gross.. and my grandma thought there wasn't anything in the tank and got mad at my brother for having it there in the first place. SO... as a result of her pissed-offness.. She dumps the tank of water outside onto the grass.. along with Kimchi.. the convo went like this:

G-ma: There wasn't anything inside the tank was there?
Tracy: yes there was..
G-ma (all angry): I don't get why your brother gets all this stuff and can't even take care of himself! I swear there wasn't anything in that tank, it was all dirty and stuff.. It probably died anyway..
Tracy: Umm.. I don't know.. (thought bubble: it was alive!!!) -_-
G-ma: well anyway I dumped the water outside because I thought there wasn't anything in there.. Besides your brother shouldn't get all this stuff..
Tracy: (thought bubble: I need to hide my chinchillas from her..)

Just thought I'd share my saddness of losing my pet Kimchi with you all..

Other than that.. weekend has been quite the awesome.. Yorkdale'g, Z.O.D'g --> WHY IS THE FOOD THERE SO AMAZING!?!!? And Toroto'g.. I don't care what you say, it's a cute movie!!! But thanks for the fun fun times..

Done'd?

2006-05-02T09:39:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been done for almost a week now.. And this whole week has been quite the relaxing.. with absolutely nothing to do except for a few to-do's on my list..

Currently have been staying at home more often, spending some more time with the g'rents before I hit HK.. *sniff* I'm gonna miss them.. Currently HOOKED on The Da Vinci Code.. (oh why is it so good!?) I've been reading it everywhere I go.. even while watching TV during commercials.. XD But I guess this is what happens when it's such a fast paced book.. Can't wait till I get my hands on The Four Loves by C.S Lewis..

Last night before sleeping, I was checking emails and trying to squeeze in a couple pages of Da Vinci Code before my eyes tired out on me and then there was this mosquito flying around and it buzzed in my ear!! Obviously I tried to kill it because I didn't want it to feast on me while I was sleeping.. (It happened to me like 2 weeks ago.. I got bitten 5 times on one side!!) So I smacked it with an envelope.. then it dissapeared.. Now I don't know where it went.. but as long as it was gone... I was happy.. =b

Alright.. back to sleep, sleeping schedule is all messed up.. Random: why is Prison Break so draggy.. that show is SUCH a tease..

Working on a short fuse..

2006-04-18T18:50:00.000-04:00

It feels depressing when everyone's done.. and you're stuck inside.. while the weather's so sunny and pretty looking.. and every part of your body aches to go outside.. ahhhh.. 1 more week to go and then I'll be done my 3rd of university! *happy dance* Of course.. I don't really look forward to September... because technically, I'm only half way through my post-ed career *sniff sniff*

Exams are tough.. Especially when you haven't really paid attention throughout the whole year and the exam is cumulative *eep* Well.. really, I'm just complaining about Film.. other exams I don't find much trouble with.. UGH.. the agony!!!

Other than that.. study sessions are quite the productive.. studied 11 hours yesterday *freak*.. learned lots of things.. some not so relevant to school.. but that's okay because being 'there' as a SIC is quite the vital.. good talks, good talks..

Oh I just had to put this on.. hehehe.. I guess I'm quite the spoiled!! But boo.. they have no image with it ... I feel sorry for my loved ones.. lol

Spoiled Brat Quiz

Your Score:
51

What does this mean? You are not happy unless you are eating Golden McNuggets! You seem to be extensively spoiled. We are happy for you! We can only wish that someone has given us almost everything we wanted. You are spoiled, spoiled, spoiled, you brat!

11% are more spoiled,1% are just as spoiled, and 88% are more deprived than you!

The Nails In Your Hands..

2006-04-14T10:45:00.000-04:00

So I woke up today.. from a bad dream... Only to walk around the empty house.. humming a song.. I honestly couldn't get it out of my head.. And as I'm typing this.. I'm listening to it.. And then I remember what happened three years ago, where I decided to announce my faith to everyone.. Then I remembered what happened years and years ago...:

The nails in your hands
The nail in your feet
They tell me how much you love me
The thorns in your brow
They tell me how
You bore so much pain to love me

And then I remember my duty.. as a Christian.. What I am here for... To not just grow with You.. but to tell others about You.. There were so many instances where I feel that.. to make my life focused on ministry and mission.. to serve my fellow brothers and sisters... and to seek for your lost children.. I feel sometimes as if I've done much of the former.. and the latter I did not worry as much about.. But this year You've been pushing me to do otherwise... Placing me in uncomfortable, vunerable situations.. Where again, I shared to a whole crowd of people... About how You changed me.. Where I spend more and more time with people who don't know about you.. Where you spoke to me in numerous sermons, in numerous devotionals, through numerous people.. The importance of reaching out to others has never been more heavy in my heart before.. And I feel that You have given a lot of love for me to give.. now I just need those opportunities again..

Forever my love
Forever my heart
Forever my life is Yours

Happy Easter everyone! I think I understand why it always rains on Good Friday.. And how it's always BEAUTIFUL on Easter Sunday... :)

Oh the irony..!

2006-04-04T20:13:00.000-04:00

So.. last week I had an interesting conversation:

Me: The weather's SOOO nice.. I'm so glad that we're ending school in April, otherwise I don't know how I would concentrate on school..
Friend A: Yea, the weather is so nice that it can be such a distraction..
Me: I know!! I wish the weather could be a tad crappy so that I can focus on my studies.. I want to play so many sports right now!!! Man.. I would be studying and then.. look outside.. and want to go out and play... *sigh*

-----2 days later.. the weather starts getting cold..-----

Two weeks ago.. I had this other conversation:
Me: I'm planning to lose some weight before I go to Hong Kong so that I can eat more :D :D
Aunt: That's a good idea, because you know I will take you to a lot of places to eat lots of good food.
Me: Yea.. Hehe, I wish it was easy.. perhaps if I got sick again.. maybe then I could lose some weight! j/k
Aunt: Don't ever do something so stupid like that!!
Me: I know I know.. I'm just kidding.. I won't get myself sick so that I can lose weight

----- 2 days later.. I get sick and I'm still sick..-----

Alright, this is procrastination number one.. heheee.. when will be the next one.. =b

Ugh.. my head

2006-04-02T19:54:00.000-04:00

Alright.. So I've been feeling a bit better... did not confront the person yet.. But soon I will.. Been really praying about things and I find that as much as a friend this person is to me.. It does not justify the things that they have done.. I need to be a sister in Christ.. to stand up for myself.. for my friend.. and especially for what God sees is right and just.. But yea, to explain my vague-ness.. I really only confided in the people I knew.. and also the people that asked.. Like it's no big deal.. it's just that one can get into real big trouble for it.. Anyways, enough of that..

So.. I've been sickly as of late.. Thursday I had a cough/sore throat.. until Monday where sinus congestion, runny/stuffy nose, sneezing got to me.. then starting Thursday I had myself some fever and nausea.. and now it's fever/stuffy nose/some cough.. It's like.. all the sicknesses in a neat little one week plus package.. And for these past few days I've just been sleeping in.. like a baby... =D But exams are coming.. *eep* I have one on the 6th, 12th, 21st, 25th and 26th.. More spread out than last semester (8,9,11,12,13 ..) So I guess it's a bit better.. Oh well.. time to studeee.. when I update this blog again.. it'll be when I'm procrastinating.. =b

Just cuz I can hide it doesn't mean it's not there.

2006-03-28T18:20:00.000-05:00

I'm so peeved off right now.. It makes me so upset that someone could do such a thing.. Okay, I'm being nice. I'm not just upset, but mad, angry, pissed off.. I don't know, but I feel like I have every right to be angry. All I can say that it's wrong, wrong, wrong! Can you not hear people telling you the same thing? Oh well, it's too late now.. Can't turn back..

Can't wait till badminton tommorow.. I need to smash those birdies again..

Challenge'd!

2006-03-21T21:09:00.000-05:00

If you're not right with God's people... you are not right with God...

Thanks for the challenge.. and thanks for telling me the things I need to hear as opposed to telling me the things that I want to hear..

So I'm slowly accumulating a cough.. Don't know where in the world I got this from.. But geez it's annoying!! *sigh* oh well.. other than that...

I'm in dire need of motivation to do this research paper due next week..
I sprained my ankle from unknown/mysterious reasons... *sniff sniff*
I'm wondering if I should tell my family that I've stopped my meat lent.. cuz they're just going to ask me why.. and I don't really want to tell them I was about to faint and stuff.. they're going to freak... again!!! =S

Learning to love you

2006-03-20T16:58:00.000-05:00

Through all the anxieties and fears
The laughs and the tears
You have always been with me
As far as the eye can see...

Lately I feel as if things are at a dangerous level.. as if Satan is attacking from all levels.. or maybe it's just me.. the whole spiritually "drained-ness" has seem to be the feelings of everyone.. the down faces.. the tension.. it almost makes me wonder when all this is going to be over.. Sorry guys for being so down.. Stress just seems to be getting the best of me these days..

So.. I stopped my meat lent.. why? Because of the dizziness and faintiness(sp?) of it all.. Eat spinach?? Spinach is overrated guys.. and being anemic (iron deficient) doesn't help either.. I really didn't want to stop it because I feel like I'm failing.. but then I felt like I was failing in all other aspects of my life (school, work, church..).. And lots of people suggested me to stop the lent if it was hazardous to my health.. =S SO.. no more meat lent! And now to search for a new one...

I wish..

2006-03-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

Things will be okay..

That this is just a phase..

Insanity will be kept at bay

That you could clear this haze..

Eh.. random venting.. I'm just so blah'd out at this point.. So bummed out.. It's like I burnt out and I can't go on any longer.. God, grant me the energy to please go on.. Because You say that You will never give me anything that I could not handle.. and I believe in that..

On a brighter note.. I found my wallet! Thank you for helping me find it.. I thought it just dissapeared into thin air and I would have had to renew everything.. and one picture would have been lost forever *tear*

**edited**

Er.. another rant.. I sometimes wish that I didn't have to "earn" your respect and love.. It's hard enough that everyone tells me to give up on you already.. I feel like my heart's about to break..

Bewilderment'd

2006-03-08T15:15:00.000-05:00

So this week is going so quickly that I barely have enough time to just stand back and breathe. Things are going quicker than I hope for them to go but that's probably because I try to do everything at once.. Like at times I just feel like I'm going to explode.. or implode.. because there's just so much happening right now.. I have to admit that there were many occassions where I wanted to just punch the wall out of frustration.. Sometimes I wish I was more expressive.. more able to talk out my problems more.. Share with people sometimes.. But generally I'm the type that bottles up.. or just unable to share everything.. Mostly because I hate it when people worry about me when I perfectly know that eventually I'll be fine.. and sometimes I don't see things as a big deal either.. Or perhaps I just don't feel like getting criticism..

Again.. I'm really feeling that less is more right now.. I feel that I need to step back, relax and just really be in awe of His beauty..

The other day, I finished The Screwtape Letters (finally!) and I felt in a sense discontented.. Even though I enjoyed the book thoroughly.. I felt like even though the book made me realize a lot of things.. I didn't necessarily feel like I learned much from it.. It's probably because of me.. and C.S. Lewis' stuff is definitely hard to swallow.. So I guess currently I'm just letting it sink into the thick skull of mine.. Currently looking for another book to read.. suggestions are good =D

So.. the meat lent..

2006-03-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

Well, things are going fairly well in terms of my meat lent.. On Thursday I went dim sum with my grandparents, my aunt and her baby kid.. and then I was sharing with my aunt about me lenting meat and she was like accepting (accepting as in.. "what!? I can never do that but that's admirable" type of deal..). It wasn't so hard for her to accept since she was Christian and knew what lenting was all about =b HOWEVER.. When my grandparents found out.. (by me rejecting all the "har gow", "siu mai" and other yummy meaty foods..) my grandma turned bugged eye!!! Okay the thing is that she has like slits for eyes.. and when she found out that I told her.. she freaked.. lol. It was really quite the interesting..

Also.. found out my exam schedule.. it's not as condensed as it was last semester =b but it's a so scattered that I feel like I'm so not gonna study.. 5 exams over the span of 20 days.. geez lol it's like the recipe for procrastination!!

Day 1

2006-03-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

So.. first day wasn't SO bad.. Not missing meat too much because I' ve developed a "plan" to keep my iron levels up while I'm on a meat lent.. While walking towards CCF today I came across a bunch of people from Domino's (sp?) giving away FREE PIZZA! Which had pepperoni in it.. *sigh* but it's alright... and then later after CCF I was somewhat peer pressured into doing 30 HR famine.. (oh the hunger!) So.. no meat AND 30 hr famine.. geez.. I need to eat a lot of veggies.. =b

I also picked up PDL.. (Purpose Driven Life) since I've never read the thing before.. and well.. I guess first day is always the easiest.. you *always* remember to do it on the first day.. lol That's all I'm gonna say for now.. cuz I'm extremely tired.. badminton was tiring .. hehe good rallying! :D :D

Reflections...

2006-02-22T15:37:00.000-05:00

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

This whole reading week + retreat was.. very short lived. Lots of great times with friends and a lot of things happened. Ups and downs.. lots of inspiring talks with many people.. It's amazing how God works in so many people's lives.. Even when we don't notice.. He's still working hard..

Reading week:
Did almost nothing.. made several attempts to study.. Devoted only 1.5 days into studying.. My goal was to do 2+ but you know that never happens.. Therefore, aim ridiculously high so if you "fail" your goal.. you'll still be okay..

V-day: No generic roses/chocolates *aww..* but good times chilling with friends.. yummy steak.. hehe.. so disgustingly full from all that food.. but good job Chihymn for being able to fill my bottomless pit! =D and no.. I don't eat slow.. =P

Skating: day where I "burned" the food I ate the day before... (on V-day)

Retreat:
I *almost* pulled an all nighter.. maybe next time .. I don't know how people do it.. it's crazy..! And then there was the food.. the pounds and pounds of cookies.. and the nasty smelling water.. the water was so gross..
And since CCF's theme is about love.. we talked about love.. we had the "filet o fish" (philio) love.. eros love.. and agape love.. good times guys..
Also we did a love survey *oooo* and I found out that my love language is physical touch, acts of service and quality time (basically what I prefer as an expression of love) =P

Alright.. I need to stop procrastinating again.. geez.. Have a midterm on Friday *eep*

"To readjust you gotta trust"

2006-02-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

So.. things in life have been going steady.. Brightening up and it's like the calm of the storm :P a whole new beginning.. or just a new chapter in the book of life kinda deal.. Stepping out of what seemed to be the most stressful parts of my life. I found things that were lost and reacquainted with them.. (by things, it also includes people too..). So I wanted to share a song I guess.. or basically just a few lines of a song. Minor Thing by Red Hot Chili Peppers (btw they're coming out with a new album in May *hint hint*)

He knows everything
To readjust you've got to trust
That all the fuss is just a minor thing

Yes it's secular.. but it did speak out to me =P same with The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the line
Everything will be just fine
Everything will be alright

Yes.. if you can't tell by now. I worry too much. For example, I was freaking over my biomechanics mark ever since I wrote the stupid thing and then after much stress and agonizing days of waiting for my prof to post it up... I ended up with an A =P .. I came out thinking I was gonna get like a C or something.. (just so you know, my physics/math skills are pretty nonexistent..) SO.. to get an A in a test like that is something very different.. :D praise God! :D

Heading to Newmarket on Friday night to Sunday morning for CCF retreat.. can't wait!

How something small can mean so much..

2006-02-08T16:40:00.000-05:00

I was reading Screwtape Letters again.. Man I really need to finish that book. It's been a while because I've been bombarded with midterms and assignments lately.. But I came upon a chapter about how Satan tempts us with small things.. Things we never thought that could amount to any sin..

"You must therefore zealously guard in his mind the curious assumption 'My time is my own.' Let him have the feeling that he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours. Let him feel as a grievous tax that portion of this property which he has to make over to his employers, and as a generous donation that further portion which he allows to religious duties. "
"Don't let his thoughts come anywhere near it. Wrap a darkness about it, and in the centre of that darkness let his sense of ownership-in-Time lie silent, uninspected, and operative." (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters)

I find that as humans we are very selfish creatures and as a result of that, we feel that we own everything that we have. Anything that we do, such as tithing, volunteering, or anything that is done for a good cause is "additional" to what we humans "should" do. C.S. Lewis has really hammered that down.. Do we things out of "generosity" or do we do it out of love for God? I mean.. we give things, we do things.. but does it really matter if all you're doing it for is for your own self esteem, for yourself..? God has given us life so that we can ultimately love Him..

On another note.. It's a happy day.. Darren's getting baptize'd!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! =D

Quarter life crisis'd!!

2006-02-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Yay!! You're a year older!!! Happy birthday Will!!! ^___^

soo.. I should be sleeping since my midterm is tommorow.. *will post a long one another day*

g'nites!

Procrastinating.. AGAIN!

2006-02-05T16:26:00.000-05:00

So.. Here I am, procrastinating.. I knew I should've went to Timmy's to study even if it's so bloody cold outside.. I could've warmed up to the gross hot chocolate.. or the diabetic hot smoothies that they have.. *hmm* oh well =P I'll study soon. I promise. I just need to get some stuff off my chest =P

Week was rough, studied "like there was no tommorow"!! In light of all this, I really do want to thank God for bringing me through.. I don't know lately I feel very down about things.. Especially because I feel that things are going well in one aspect of life and not in the other and I just don't know what I can do to change these things. Also there's a lot of things running around in my head, things aren't what they used to be. Growing up is getting scarier by the minute. And things are starting to get serious and here I am still as weird as I can be. I know that path that I am walking on is the narrow one.. So easy to just get distracted or get pushed off to do what society deems "normal". At times it's difficult, but no complaints.. cuz that's how life goes.. I find that lately I haven't been blogging because there's just TOO many things that I need to say.. and not enough time to type it all out.. (perhaps I need one of those things that type out what you say.. those are cool!) Like I dislike numbering things off because I can't go into detail.. arghness! Why is life so ma fan!? =P It's like a lose lose situation.. but regardless.. I'll just list some of the things..
1. I find that some people need to question their motives for doing certain things (this point is geared towards serving in ministries). One thing is, don't do it for yourself. It bothers me that some Christians are serving God so that they can get popular or whatever. And I'm not trying to be rude or anything about this. But the thing is that doing things like that is for all the wrong reasons.. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." (Phil 2:3)
2. Actions and words.. I'll relate it to the book that I'm currently reading (Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis). Basically, God personally convicts us to do something. However we are consistently tempted to not do things and to just get this "emotional high" and then continue to live our life as is, without any sort of change in lifestyle. I find that mere spiritual highs lead us to nowhere. It's like having knowledge of the cure for cancer and not letting anyone know. It's completely ridiculous! =P

Alright, I'm done venting for now.. :)

Thingmadabobs..

2006-01-29T20:40:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a good while since last update. I've been neglecting my poor little blog =P But yea, lots of things happening this past few weeks.. Let me number them off:

1. Started working on Fridays after school.. Kinda regret it.. too much work in one week .. but oh well *can always book it off*
2. Currently lacking motivation for being studious.. Not as studious as I was last semester.. I feel that this semester is gonna kill me..
3. my room is messy again
4. my mind is on overdrive with so many things to think about.. Hehe.. there was this one time where I put the cereal back into the fridge after pouring it into a bowl.. and the peanut butter.. (indication of me thinking too much for my own good..)
5. Last night I slept at 1am and I was supposedly exhausted but I woke up in the middle of the night 4am and tried going to sleep for an hour.. but I wasn't able to.. so.. went on the 'net.. And man there are a LOT of people who keep their computer's on throughout the night.. Geez..
6. Really trying to reflect Him in all things.. Even at work! Hehe it's surprising but I was able to bring a patient to church.. And another patient is interested in going TC! :D :D
7. Midterms are acomin'.. Exercise Phys on Wednesday, Biomech on Friday.. Physical Health & Aging on Monday.. *freaks*

My Second Devotional

2006-01-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

I decided now to write out my second devo since I did not talk about it during my devo time at fellowship last week because I felt that I needed to write it out so that it's more clear and I do not want anyone to think differently that what I want it to come it as since this is quite a touchy topic due to the fact that it affects EVERYONE.. So here it goes:

Relationships.

Two points
- God placed a desire in us to want to be with someone.
- That void/desire cannot be fully filled with just anyone. It needs to be Him.

So let me explain myself further as to why I came to these two conclusions. Humans are the type of animals that enjoy affection and the companionship. Bringing it to a deeper level, humans have a deep yearning to be with that special someone. A void, almost like an unquenchable thirst. But at the same time we tend to never be satisfied with just anyone. We always seem to strive for better. Now with all that in mind, what better is it to have an awesome relationship with the most perfect person in all of the universe? (of course that person being God Himself)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to promote celibacy because then we cannot be fruitful and multiply like God says (Gen. 9:7) but what I'm trying to get to is that we need to get our mind off of dating and being with that someone and just using that time to really give it up to God through whatever it may be that He asks you to do. I mean there really isn't any need to worry over getting a boyfriend/girlfriend since when it is the right time then everything will just fall into place. As Matt 6:25 says 33 Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. So.. Hopefully I don't need to clarify things.. but that was also something that has been heavy in my heart. I'm not trying to say that I've been following this all my life. Heck I'm still having struggles.. But it's a start.. And it's been really heavy in my heart to just live by this..

Cheers

Er..

2006-01-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a while since I've updated my blog.. Apologies to those who check regularly.. But then usually those who check regularly see my pratically everyday anyways so you know what's going on in my life!

Anyways, let me sum up my Christmas break. It was awesome, overall. Lots of things happened and some I wish didn't happen.. But regardless. They happened and for reasons only God knows.. I feel again that song by Lifehouse, Somewhere in Between. Man it seems like that's *my* song.. So emo-ish.. *sigh* I don't even know how to express how I'm feeling in words.. At times I feel like I fell and at other times I feel like I can't let go of things.. And then at other points I feel like why the heck am I so emotional? I feel like a ridiculous mess right now. But oh well.. c'est la vie.. I wish life weren't so complicated then perhaps things wouldn't have been the way they were.. But Jesus I know you have a plan.. and I intend to trust it with every part of me.. Especially when I'm so broken inside..

So other than that.. my goals for this year:
1. Study more! Yes! That means I'll be in the library more often!
2. Have a cleaner room
3. Stop sleeping in class (so no more sleeping so late at night)
4. Read more (hah.. like that's gonna happen)
5. Stop being so lazy.. Because I swear they won't let me graduate as a lazy kine student =b

In light of all this..

2005-12-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

When I stand back and look around, I find that everything feels and seems like a blur to me.. That time is just passing by me so quickly that I cannot even sit down and just take a breath. So many things have been running by my head and not enough things have been directed to You. I thought this Christmas season, I would at least have some free time to just sit around at home and reflect on this year. Well so far I didn't get to sleep in until today, and still I woke up at 7 (gg to my brother's alarm clock). But nonetheless, I realized that "relaxing" isn't waking up to the afternoon or just bumming around at home.. It's really to just be in your presence and to be in awe of You Lord..

Titus commitee meeting was also in itself a blessing.. I'm so excited for next year!! :) Can't wait..
Lots of thoughts about the structure of Titus.. what's working and what's not
Been feeling that there's a lot more opportunity to share Your gospel
Things are a little shakey.. especially in the comforts of my own home
Relational wise.. I need to pull through, much appreciation with the support and advice
Lots of prayer going around, lots of suggestion of prayer, lots of prayer in general!

In light of all this.. I thank You :)

Yay! Sooo done!

2005-12-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I finished my exams like.. 2 days ago.. But these past days have been ubber crammed with stuff like work and hanging out with friends.. All fun and good times! I've shared with some people about my thoughts about Christmas.. How we spend it and who we spend it with.. And I thought well, since I shared.. why not share it to everyone! :P

I think that at this time of year, some of us do feel the need to be with the ones we love.. But having said that.. Do we spend time with the ones that love us? Are some of us searching far and wide for that special someone this year that we forget about the love that we already have? Anyways, to be quite the blunt.. I'm asking if you spend enough time with God. Do we just tie ourselves over with so many things such as getting everyone's gifts for Chirstmas.. and in the end do we just *forget* about giving to God?? With the hassles of exams and Christmas coming in 10 days.. perhaps God doesn't want you to max out your credit card.. or like go out everynight until 2-3am with friends and stuff.. Maybe He just wants to spend some quality time with you this Christmas.. :)

Ah! It's almost over!

2005-12-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

Oh the stress.. I feel it permeated in the air!! Heheh, it's funny because I should feel Christmas instead.. Apologies for the lack of updates because lately I've been living in the library.. or just amongst piles and piles of books and notes and course work.. Anyway, so lately what's been happening is that I've been studying. And the irony of it is that I'm studying for tests (as a kine student) and I'm being SO unhealthy..!!! As of late, my meals consisted of ice cream, peanut butter and honey sandwiches (I think this is the only healthy thing because it was whole wheat bread and natural peanut butter), bugers from wendy's, pho, cookies.. AND NO WORKING OUT! I feel the pounds coming along already! However my body's fast metabolism does the trick.. But still, eventually it will come along.. Hehe, I find myself eating better during exam time than I do during the school year since I eat sandwiches all the time and fruits at school (peanut butter and nutella sandwiches mmm...)

But anyways let me tell you of the most random thing that happened to me! I was studying at Angus Glen the other day studying with Willie and well.. I was tired and hungry and so I went home from the place.. And as I was exiting, I saw a swan sitting infront of the door!!! Of course, being the weird person that I am... I HAD to take the opportunity to go and take a picture with it! I mean, it was just sitting there, watching me and all.. So there I took a lovely pic beside the duck.. and the picture's kinda dark but I had my thumbs up and everything. Of course I was kind of scared to go so close to it, since I've heard that swans can break bones! (And my bones aren't particularly the strongest) so I kept my distance :P

So, besides that point.. I finished ONE exam..! *yay* And I still have three more to go.. (social psychology, film and motor learning) on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.. Yea.. I'll be hanging out in the library till then.. I can't wait until the shopping comes along! And also the Christmas festivities! Like football in the snow!!! Movie watching.. parties, parties, catch up on my gaming, catch up on CSI and ESPECIALLY catch up on that sleep.. :) Until then, pray for me! :D :D

Ways to inefficiently study and effectively procrastinate

2005-12-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

1. study at home, ESPECIALLY infront of the television while on the computer and munching on some sort of snack food (like chips, or if you're like me raisons and cheerios!)
2. study at the library in the children's section. You'll be distracted by all the fun books and play things kids have these days! (Angus Glen has a real good children's section with cool toys and chairs and tables!)
3. study with music that you're really into. Eventually it'll become like a kareoke section!
4. study while talking on the phone and chat about matters unrelated to your studies
5. study on your bed
6. study with friends that a) are done their exams or b) are the non-studious types
7. if you're the type that likes the quiet, study at Timmy's! You're bound to enjoy countless hours of wasted studying time! Eventually you'll come out knowing a lot of information about people you don't even know as opposed to what's on your exam =D (and you'll smell like coffee too!)
8. fool around on your computer. You never know if your computer needs fixing or anything of that sort =P
9. study in a cluttered area, you might get peeved enough to go and clean up the place so that you can "study"
10. go get a new game/console that's very addictive (for me it'd be Harvest Moon, my goodness that game is crazy good!) and promise yourself that after one game, you will "study". I assure that you'll be playing hours on end.
11. and finally, do not study with nerds (i.e. me, I'm keen on people who don't study, if you want to procrastinate, please go do it somewhere else)

Numbers!

2005-12-01T19:59:00.000-05:00

I feel like there's so many things going on that my head's about to explode.. Or implode.. So let me just list/rant them out:

1. WL's mom is going to surgery tommorow.. Same place where *he* died.. It's literally killing me on the inside.. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me.. I remember 3.5 years ago when I left that place.. I felt like I never wanted to go in there again.. I feel like if I were to go tommorow.. It'll just bring back so many memories.. (not like I haven't forgotten them..) I said I would prior to knowing where the hospital was.. And when I found out. My heart sank. The ride back home was very, sad and emotional. However at the same time it was very quiet and serene. That's when I cried. Cried because it hurts to see others in pain, cried because of all the things that could happen and already did happen. Lord Jesus, I know you share my saddness, grief and pain. But in you I trust. And we will share the joys as well.. But in your time.

2. My midterms/finals are creeping me out! I find that at this time of year, we get bombarded with loads of things. As if we were trying to bench an amount that we really can't bench, but we have to anyway so we try as hard as we can.. I feel real shaky. I have loads of studying to do before I can write my finals. Maintaining the marks is going to be another story. And because of this, I'm always at Steacie/Scott (My "office" hours are Steacie: Mon-Thurs, Scott: Fri - notice I don't put up "hours"? It's because I'm pratically there everyday!). But it's good times at libraries.. lots of CCF people.. It's like as if we have 2 CCF offices! One is the "official" one.. and the other one is at the library where all the nerds hang out.. Like meee! But studying is quite the stressful..

The next stuff is just kinda there.. But still in my brain..

3. I need to talk to my car insurance company about my insurance.. Man insurance is so hefty
4. Figure out what to get people for Christmas.. Yay! It's Christmas soon! :) I wish they would just give me their "wants" list and I can just pick it out from the list..
5. Visiting Dad was quite the interesting.. Saw Ellen there.. Not sure of what to think of that since it's been a while since I last saw her too.. And visiting Dad..
6. My midterm is tommorow and here I am blogging, oh well. Time to stop being lazy

Moving on..

2005-11-26T23:02:00.000-05:00

So.. There's a good reason I have not blogged in a good while.. It's not because I felt like not blogging.. but I felt that I had a good thing to blog about.. but I needed to find the "perfect day" so to speak to blog about it. just because to me it was very important.. And I couldn't blog about it on any other day. =P But before I talk about it.. this whole week has been quite the dramatic. Passion was truly awesome.. Lots of people.. lots of friends.. I met someone I knew since elementary and haven't spoken to him since.. And then I saw him.. and he told me I haven't changed one bit. And to be honest. I really didn't know how to respond to a comment like that =P But oh well.. Wednesday's CCF was quite the inspirational also.. Loved it a whole bunch.. Thursday's highlight was seeing my baby cousin!! He's like the dinkiest little thing I've seen..!! Since the last time I've seen a newborn that is.. But he was sooo adorable.. And the other highlight of Thursday was seeing a car fall into a ditch.. But the people in the car were okay.. just kinda wished I could've helped.. No towing accessories, let alone snow tires at the moment to pull them out.. Friday's "lounge" party turned out to be a club.. quite the interestingly dramatic feel and mood.. Haven't seen my friend in soo long.. Good times with her.. :) And her commerce buddies.. =P

Saturday:
So I'm feeling kind of emo-ish right now.. You know that feeling of overfeeling? When there's just too many things, emotions and thoughts running through your head? Yup.. that's me alright..So let me somehow put it as clear as I can.. and also vague at the same time(?):

I sometimes feel that I have this grudge against you, as if you are the reason to why these things happen to me. Sometimes I wonder why you left, why you broke my heart. Never. Never has anyone broke my heart the way you did when you left me. At the same time, I miss you so much and I love you so much still.. And yet I still resent you for leaving me all alone in this world with no one else to hold on to. When you were gone, I felt this emptiness.. Crying at night somehow became my favourite pasttime..

However, I believe I have grown. Matured. Became more understanding of the situations that I have to face each and everyday. One part of me says thank you and the other part of me says why weren't you here when I needed you the most? At points I felt like I was at my breaking point, as if I couldn't take it anymore and the thought of ending everything seemed like the best way out.. To be honest.. I don't know anymore.. But when I came to see you today.. My heart just shattered again.. Never has any man broken my heart like you did.. Never has anyone made me cry like you did.. Never have I loved someone as much as I loved you.. and still love you..

Happy Birthday Dad.

- Your Daughter.

Promise

2005-11-19T19:39:00.000-05:00

In attempts of tracing my steps back as of late.. I find that the most difficult thing is to get back up on my own two feet.. Especially while feeling crummy about yourself and stuff like that... But it's okay.. I'm feeling more optimistic just because things are brightening up.. Praise God! :D

Small group yesterday was awesome too.. Lots of fellowshiping.. and eating.. oo especially the eating! And yes.. I did out eat Albert..! And no I don't eat slow..! Just not as fast as some people.. :P Later went to Destiny's.. My jacket smelt like smoke afterwards ugh... and I wasn't even in the non-smoking section! So my jacket was frebezed as a result.. and it smells all nice and fruity now.. :D But yea... good times of the "Tightest" family.. I love you guys :)

So, I fell in love with yet another of Butch Walker's songs.. It's so amazing.. It just makes me crumble to bits and pieces when I hear it.. And it lets me revisit my pretty non-existent sappy side.. So these were the lyrics that spoke to me..

But I promise I can love you
Just like a man
And I promise I can hold you
Like nobody can

Alright, before you guys raise an eyebrow or whatever.. Let me explain why this spoke so hard to me.. It honestly reminded me of God and His promise.. That void that has been embedded within us ever since we were created into this world.. His everlasting, unfailing love that will quench our thirst.. And well.. It just made me smile all around.. :)

...

2005-11-15T23:19:00.000-05:00

I think that I am at a point of falling apart.. There has been too many nights where I was not able to sleep well.. I can't even concentrate like I used to while studying.. while in class.. All I'm doing is thinking about other things. So many things on my mind nowadays.. I think it's been a while since I've been in this state where there is so much on my mind to the point where I can't sleep? (Because if you know me.. sleeping is like my favourite thing..) Sometimes I wish I knew what to do.. Been praying, been searching.. But all I come up with is me having to be patience.. Things will happen in His own time and not mine... However His time right now feels like an eternity and I feel like I'm just holding my sanity by a single thread..

So much confusion.. so much distortion.. Causing me to overthink, to feel things that I am so unfamiliar with.. I guess to relate to what I'm studying in school.. I am not very accurate in terms of my decision making.. or more of like I am taking a very long time to decide what is accurate (right/hit) as opposed to wrong.. (and the d factor in decision making..but that's very perception based..) But in all seriousness I just can't figure out the differences between my wants, my needs.. I thought I had them all down packed.. But after many hard hits that occured this week.. I feel like it's getting tough for me to stand up on my own two feet.. Sometimes I feel like I just want to stay down.. Then perhaps I won't have to do mean things anymore.. Won't have to keep saying no.. won't have to keep hurting and getting hurt.. won't have to deal with situations.. Argh.. I'm in that pessimistic state right now.. I think prayer would be most helpful right now..

On a lighter note.. I think this is very untrue... It's partly because I know who Einstein and Newton was.. and the periodic table.. Okay maybe I am kinda nerdy.. But I'm one of those cool nerds..!

It's a boy!

2005-11-13T23:58:00.000-05:00

So.. my grandma left my brother, grandpa and I to our own devices to feed ourselves and take care of ourselves. Mainly because of the fact that my aunt had a baby! Hehe praise God! It's a boy! (?) Eh.. Geez it's gonna be more chaotic than it already is.. Oh well.. So any help would be awesome.. in terms of feeding me.. I really don't want to eat take out for a good 3-4 weeks.. I'd probably end up at the hospital with myocardial infarction (and angioplasty or bypass doesn't look very interesting) and being the good kine student I should be.. Hence my cry for home cooked food.. *hint hint*

On another note.. I wish I could've seen the baby today, just because newborns are so wrinkly and cute looking.. and they don't cry much (yet).. Or do they? I don't remember.. Haven't seen one in a while.. But I just find it so amazing for God to bring life into this world like He does.. And how people turn from a 2 cell organism to such a beautiful, complex multicellular organism.. With so many different functions and capabilities.. More and more I just appreciate the art of science and how much God has blessed our bodies.. Our ability to breathe, for our hearts to beat, for us to think, move and do all these things together.. To cry, to mourn.. to laugh... to feel.. God is truly amazing.. :)

Had work today.. and well, Sunday television is quite the interesting.. A pastor talked about sexual drives and how it is a good thing since it makes us want to get married. When I heard this, I was shocked beyond belief! (But then again.. I assume his audience was very mature) But still.. He talked about how sexual drive can teach us sacrificial love (since it leads us to marriage) .. and well.. I find that sacrificial love needs to come prior to marriage.. But that's just me.. Oh well.. :) More on that later... time to hit the hay!

VIP!

2005-11-13T01:09:00.000-05:00

So I went to the Butch Walker concert today... located in Italy town.. teehee.. Man.. Were there a lot of Asians there! lol =P But yea.. The line up wasn't very long, nor was the place very packed.. Got ID'ed yet again.. But I dragged Willie down with me! *mwahahaha*.. But yea, it was definitly an amazing concert.. The dude was totally passionate about his music.. And he actually sounded good..! If anything, better than the album itself.. :) I got a VIP stamp too... and I tried rubbing it off for a good 5 minutes until my skin turned red.. and the stupid thing didn't come off.. I guess I'm a VIP afterall.. as much as I don't want to be one.. lol :P And then Willie tried and fell into a ditch and couldn't get up... for a good 20 minutes... *ha ha* No actually I lied.. nothing funny happened to Willie .. because he's boring like that :P (See I did make fun of you!)

But anyways... Friday I went to see Real Worlds 2.. Man was that so amazing.. It really just affirms that God truly exists.. How amazing He is to make bodies the way He does.. to create us to beautiful.. And how our body is able to compensate for so many things that happen.. There were bodies... so may of them!!! And also the method in which they use to perserve it (plastination) is also very amazing.. However some of the bodies were really sad.. (especially the fetuses and the woman who was 5 months pregnant.. ). Really makes you think and appreciate what you have.. And also how unhealthy lives lead to inefficient bodies.. Lots of nerdy stuff coming along with it.. I noticed like the weirdest of things at that exhibit.. Like one dude had 6 digits!! (6 fingers/toes) and also this other man had silver teeth and a bridge done.. Some of the specimens also needed to extract their wisdom teeth (because they were grown in the "wrong" position..) heheh.. ah.. Oh well.. But all in all.. it was truly amazing.. I loved every bit of it.. :) Lots of fun times.. teehee Alright, time to hit the hay..

Froggies

2005-11-08T19:43:00.000-05:00

So.. This weekend has been academically unproductive.. Haven't done much studying until today (did 2 chapters of social psyc! *yay*) And studying with girls is a lot better than studying with guys.. *ahem* Cyrus *ahem*.. But yes.. In phys lab we were supposed to have live frogs to work with (basically what we do is inject pain killers into them, cut off their head and paralyze them by sticking a rod down their spine.. Then we give them different types of drugs to see what happens to their little hearts).. But unfortunately (fortunately for you animal lovers.. not saying that I'm not one..) all the froggies died of infection/disease.. However.. When I think about it.. Perhaps them dying of experimentation is better than disease since they don't feel it? But I don't know.. :P That's up for you to decide.. hehehe

So my weekend.. Had work.. and watched Million Dollar Baby afterwards at home..! Man.. I was sooo into that movie.. It was really a good movie.. on Sunday I went to watch Kingdom of Heaven at Hazel's.. Couldn't take the movie seriously since all I could think of was nerdy stuff.. Like when the two armies attacked each other it looked like phagocytosis.. (since one army was bigger than the other.. and they did some weird formation thingy that looked like it..) And then the other part was when this huge dude got an arrow shot through his neck (going through esophagus, spine and trachea) and he was still like fighting people and everything afterwards..! Of course all I could think of was the impossibility of this whole part.. But yea... It was kinda nerdish of me.. :P

Yesterday.. was probably one of the first times where I stayed awake for all my classes without getting bored/dozing off.. Especially during film! Man.. I didn't like konk out at all.. But then again the film was pretty good this time.. hehe My "dear" friend almost killed me that day too by swinging one of those table thingies into my rib (you know, the ones that are attached to the chairs in the lecture halls? If you don't get it, then too bad.. :P) but yea.. that killed.. for a while.. :P But yea.. still healing from that.. if I die.. you guys know who to blame lol :P

Also, kind of upset at the moment because family wants me in HK during the month of July.. Which is like half of the softball season..!!! But I promised to go.. and I want to play softball as well.. Ahhhh.. so much decisions.. :P

Somewhere in Between

2005-11-05T19:26:00.000-05:00

I think I'm just so familiar with this feeling now that it's like my best friend.. But everytime I feel it, it's the same.. yet so different at the same time (situationally anyways).. So I scavanged for a song to describe how I'm feeling..

I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneat my feet
Cuz by tommorow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

I just basically feel so blah.. Well, to a certain degree anyways.. Trying to do the things that I feel are right.. yet I get confused along the way.. Had a good talk on the phone last night about relationships.. Then went to sleep wondering if my expectations/standards were too high.. Woke up this morning without my alarm clock (yes, I forgot to turn the stupid thing on.. but I did set it right..) and then I was still thinking.. Thinking about that desire placed within my heart to have someone to be with.. And at the same time trying to resist until the time is right.. But when it comes down to it.. when is it right? How would I feel it? Argh.. Feelings are so ma fan.. Don't know what to feel anymore.. >_<

On a lighter note, I found a buddy to go to my Sunday night exam!! *yay* Man.. I was so freaked out when I found out that social psyc was on a Sunday night at 7-10.. I mean what kind of idiotic exam time is that? But God does answers prayers! I found Cyrus.. ( mwahaha.. you're stuck with me kiddo) who has the same exam time as me *yay* hehehe

So..

2005-11-04T00:23:00.000-05:00

So.. this week:

I fell in love with Butch Walker..well his songs anyways, since he's not that aesthetically pleasing :P (watch like a ton of girls spam mail me :) And what else was good.. Oh, I watched Il Mare *finally* it was.. hmmm.. a cute movie.. Now I still have to watch Million Dollar Baby, Chronicles of Narnia, Wallace and Gromit.. and anything cool and funny.. then I'll be done for the year hehehe.. Still in wants to go to the Science Centre to see dead bodies.. Soooo intriguing! Can't wait.. Like a bunch of the kine nerds can just go and look at it and be in awe.. But honestly, I do find the human body such an amazing work of art.. the intricacies of it all.. Like the more I learn about it, the more I just truly appreciate how amazing God can be.. :)

Had a good chat today with a friend today (night?) and well just appreciated the prescence of friendship from lecture, to commuting downtown, to eating, to chatting at the food court at Eaton's and finally chatting over the phone.. I find so much blessing in just friends coming to talk about their problems.. Lots of friendships and support systems building up... praise God *yay* hehehe :) Okay time for me to sleep before I get too hungry..

So.. A light bulb got brighter..

2005-11-01T20:38:00.000-05:00

I think that after studying today.. I thought about a lot of things that happened in my last year... And well, based on social psychology.. People usually believe that they have improved over time (temporal comparison) and well I think that I just suckered myself to conformity.. With all the childish behaviour that rides along with my personality.. I feel that I'm becoming more and more imature for my own age.. Especially when I'm termed the "baby" of the group amongst my circle of friends at school *ahem*.. But all in all, I feel some dissonance or "tornage" in terms of who I am.. and what I want to be.. I've always enjoyed being the child that I am.. but at the same time I'm being drawn to growing up and just settling down.. So many times adults have asked me, "So have you found that special someone?" or like questioned my aspirations and goals.. (If you ever talk to adults, they never really relate your goals to "dreams" but that's just a sidepoint..) And well.. more and more I get questioned, more and more do I feel unprepared for adulthood.. "No I haven't found that special someone..", "I have dreams.. but I don't feel like they are goals that I want to go towards to.. Nothing definite.. not yet, anyways".. And seriously, those questions really do get to me.. Heck I do want to settle with someone one day and yea I wish I did have goals that I wish I can work towards to.. Something concrete.. something absolute.. I find myself so easily influenced by so many things.. I'm a major sucker for peer pressure (or maybe I'm just too nice that I can't say no? lol) ... alright I lost my train of thought.. I've been sitting infront of my computer for like 10 minutes and I don't know what to say anymore.. (gee, I'm so expressive.. I even write out all of my thoughts..!) But in all honesty, I enjoy God hitting me hard with things like these.. It makes me realize how stupid I really was.. but then again I'm probably still stupid :P

Shooting stars are suns when they explode.. But have you ever wondered why it looks like a "streak" in the sky as opposed to an "actual" explosion (like a fireworks?) I mean.. when things explode they don't just spew one way.. But then again, I haven't taken astronomy ever since grade 9.. teehee

Ahhh!! This was so cute... I had to add it on.. (Man whoever did that website.. boy did their HTML suck

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Finally..

2005-10-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

So.. after my midterms, I hung around as if there was like no tommorow.. Friday stayed out till like 1-ish.. talked on the phone with a friend that I havn't talked to in a while since they're such a loser and they never call me :P But aside from that.. good talks all around... Then went to work.. (Did I mention that I need to get paid so I can tend to my shopping habits?) afterwards watched Usual Suspects with a good bud of mine .. What a weird movie.. but yea aside from that it was fun.. hehe Then yesterday went to Simpson's Mania... Man .. if it wasn't free.. I'd very dissatisfied.. hehe But it's okay because I ate a yummy dinner... with free fries and drinks.. (yes you heard me... free drink.. I think our waiter forgot to put it on the bill.. but while I was home.. I was thinking about it.. then I realized that he forgot to add our drinks to the bill.. :P oh well)

So basically my whole weekend was relaxation after hours upon hours of studying.. I feel so nerdy that whole week that I felt that my brain was gonna explode... but thank God that it's all over :D But then someone had to remind me that we had a stupid motor midterm in late November... And that I'm slightly behind with my reading.. *sigh* so... I'm intending to go to the library tommorow for a couple of hours to catch up because home is just so evil.. It makes me want to sleep and watch TV and go on the net to blog about my stupid life.. So.. I've been tagged (gee thanks Will!)

TAGGED!!!!!Rules of the game: Post 5 Weird and Random facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this. Also leave a post on their blog space to let these people know.

1. I talk in my sleep? ESPECIALLY during the times when I'm talking on the phone late at night.. then I start to mumble a lot.. hehehe

2. When I was little I enjoyed torturing ants by pouring school glue on them..

3. One year for Halloween (like years and years ago).. I was Sailormoon lol

4. I got a mug for my birthday with my name on it one time.. and the mug said that the meaning of my name is "Reaper" .. I freaked lol (I mean, who wouldn't freak?)

5. Ugh.. I can't think of 5 weird things.. Especially when I'm not weird but rather in fact cool.. lol jk!! I can say that I used to listen to heavy metal.. (yes I was one of those rockers) and I would even be able to fall asleep to slipknot!! But yea.. that was then... :)

Now who to tag... I shall tag Albert, Selina, Tim, Cyrus and Darren!

Being the nerd that I am..

2005-10-25T21:38:00.000-04:00

So.. if you're reading, that means you're procrastinating..! And now you're wondering why Tracy is posting this entry.. well it's mainly because I studied for like 6.5 hours today and studying anymore would just drive me nuts... so here I am.. writing my blog.. and trying to spit out what I learned... (pressures..! but most of all.. social pysc!.. *sigh* I'm so sad) So my day was pretty productive in terms of studying for my killer midterms.. But lately I feel like I've been getting sick so I've been popping vitamins like a good little girl that I should be.. (Flintstones! *yay*) And in all seriousness.. I've been seeing the same people at the library it's pretty freaky.. but then again Scott's been like my home away from home for a while (Scott is the library I always study at for those Non-yorkies out there)

Handed in my stupid film paper today... I feel like the start of the paper was real good.. then it just started to go downhill from there cuz the night was getting late.. lol But hopefully it's okay since it is a first year course =P If not.. then I'm screwed lol.. Anyways... back to studying! And you should study too!! You lazy people you... lol

Reflection

2005-10-22T18:23:00.000-04:00

Well, had a crazy night/morning.. Small groups was definitly something to remember, especially when it lasted from 7pm Friday to 4pm Saturday.. Just a lot of think about after just sharing and just really being in each other's presence.. I find it truly a blessing to be so comfortable with one another and just be honest.. or like be able to fall in and out of sleep.. and then actually going to bed at 6.. Man.. I don't think I ever stayed up that late/early before.. During the beginning of the night, my thoughts were pretty cluttered just because I had a lot on my mind.. school... school and more school.. However, as the night progressed.. I felt that things would be okay.. Especially because I felt so burned out from this whole week of just study hours on end in the library.. I felt that I needed a time to just relax.. and God gave me a headache so that I can't concentrate on my film paper or my motor learning material.. (perhaps some nicotine would help improve my learning.. lol)

But really.. I felt pretty vunerable last night, just talking about everything, and anything.. Felt kinda awkward about some topics, but that's okay.. Q&A sections.. hehe, money questions.. (What do I hate most about you?) But yea.. those were good times.. getting to know one another more.. and what was the best was the Karaoke Revolution! Man.. was that lots of fun.. hehe going for platinum.. And Albert's attempt to sing the words.. but instead just hitting the notes.. *sigh* good times.. :)
So here's my small group.. Not everyone's hear yet.. But we'll get you next time! :)

A Thought Bubble

2005-10-20T17:51:00.000-04:00

So.. I'm here in the library.. procastinating again *yay*.. But really, it is quite sad, I look around and I see the same people in the library all the time.. I don't know who in the world they are, but they are the same people I see almost everytime I hit the library.. It tells you how studious a) they are b) I try to be :P

Going through social psychology is going to be harder than I thought it would be.. I wish everything was comprised of mere multiple choice questions so I could merely choose what the right answer is as opposed to "shooting in the dark" with research papers and stupid write ups.. I hate essays.. I think I could do better writing 3 midterms in a week than having an essay to do.. (as long as those midterms are multiple choice!) .. That's how sad I am :P But oh well..

Well, reading some comments to my last blog, there are a lot of different ideas about singlism and relationships.. To be honest.. I don't know, it's up to everyone's own discretion in regards to dating.. I think in my opinion however, dating is wrong.. (like dating as in just going out with someone "just because".. like they look good, they're popular, they're cool, like you know.. superficial things..). I mean, it just takes away the whole aspect of commitment and how one should devote themself to another.. However, relationships in the other hand is different.. In the sense that a relationship where you are with someone.. but not because of superficial reasons.. but due to more definite, deeper reasons that you're with them.. (not because they can bring in the dough, or they can cook up massive feasts for you when you hit home from work..) But because both of you have mutual recognition for each other's feelings, regardless of the level you two are on.. I mean everyone has their own little phases, taking things at different paces and at different set points of their life.. If you were to love someone just because you were at the same points in your life.. You'll be deeply dissapointed just because things change, people change.. Loving someone for who they are and not what they are (I believe) is the key.. And I think that is one of the most challenging things because you'll have to love someone when they're a jerk, or if they're in the lowest of lows in their life.. You know.. tough love.. :)

Alright.. that's my two cents.. back to studying!

Hermit Mode

2005-10-18T18:11:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in a while.. got a few complains *ahem* but that's okay.. I guess it's cuz you guys like to read my blog.. teehee but yes.. Currently have been studying day in and day out.. whenever and where ever I am.. It's almost sad.. or it's already sad that I am such a nerd.. but that's okay because I'm trying to work harder this year since I have no distractions (like boyfriends.. geez.. they are oh so ever time consuming..). Lately I've been appreciating single life, the fact that I don't have to invest so much effort in something that might not work out feels good.. (that's such a dark comment.. but sometimes it feels like that). There's a whole whack of commitment towards relationships sometimes that I find it kinda scary... throwing so much time away like that.. (man was I ever stupid.. but then again... learning from experience...)

So here I am.. 20 year old single nerd who's in love with her books and especially Jesus.. Oh well.. back to studying, I can't procastinate any longer... I realize that procastination is proportional to loitering.. lol I don't know, just a theory.. hahaha

Caring

2005-10-13T10:23:00.000-04:00

400,000 dead.. Does it matter to you? Are we living our lives differently since this earthquake happened? You can explain it off, saying that people die every minute, almost every second in this world. But it's harsh to see the vast number of innocent lives taken away while we huddle in our cozy little homes, away from all the danger, away from all the suffering, all the pain. Oblivious to all that occurs outside of our little North American bubble..

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus"

We live our lives like fish in a fish tank. We don't care much what's going on.. We hear about it, then we temporarily feel sorry for it. Hence we throw money at the problem, hoping that the change we give can make a difference. If anything at all, it probably can be a "bandaid" solution as opposed to the real solution to the problem.

You can ask whether or not if Jesus cares, throwing the question or the blame to Him. I mean we can go on forever and blame the suffering of the world on Him. We can always ask why God has killed so many innocent lives in this world. However, have you ever wondered why He hasn't put a stop to this suffering? Have you wondered why you're still standing around, doing nothing, or enjoying your life while thousands suffer each and every single day? You can still blame Jesus, but does that really solve the problem? Does it really mean that God is really at fault for all the suffering in this world? Perhaps we should stop thinking in ways like, "God should do this, God should do that.." but instead, we should start thinking, 'I need to start doing this.." or "I need to get off my butt and start being active towards helping solve the problems in this world"

But then again, you wonder to yourself, "how can I make a difference? I am but one insignificant person". I bet you seriously did not think that way when you got accepted into college/university, when you got baptised, when it was your birthday, passed your driving exam or stood up to speak publicly.. if anything, you'd probably think you were the center of the universe at that moment or at least very significant in this world.. So don't ever say that you can't make a difference because you feel insignificant..

So.. that's my two cents for the moment.. Hopefully that struck a few of you..

Gratitude?

2005-10-10T20:18:00.000-04:00

I don't know how this going to go.. feels a tad jumbled up.. but here goes nothing:

In light of all things
Through the good and bad
You provided blessings
Making us happy and sad

So my thankfulness to you
You have made me anew
Even in the darkest of skies
My worship to you will arise

I think this is very simple..but also deep at the same time? But I won't get to the deep stuff just 'cause I'm really not in the mood to think right now.. But I think it really relates to what I wanted to say..:

Two years ago, something happened that made me appreciate life even moreso. On Thanksgiving two years ago, my grandmother was rushed to the hospital due to unexplainable pain in her abdomen. Not knowing what the cause was, I was deeply concerned as she was someone I was quite attached to and losing another family member was something I seriously was not ready to take at that time. At that time, I felt God telling me that I needed to appreciate her so much more and that the way I was treating her was ungodly and definitely required a major change up. At that point in time, I felt that I learned my lesson even if God decided to take her away or to let us keep her for a little longer. I guess the good thing of this story is that it has a happy ending.. My grandma ended up fine afterwards and I've just been thankful even to this date that I have her with me.. So the moral of the story is.. Don't spite God for bad things.. Umm.. that was random :D

The Title That Has No Name But Really Has

2005-10-06T15:36:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those days
Everything feels like a haze
Feeling as if life's a maze
Can't help but fix on your gaze

I need to stop rhyming
And to start confiding
In Jesus Christ oh Lord
Takin the Bible like the sword

So.. my day was a bit crummy.. didn't do much.. didn't study much, finally watched my motor learning lecture.. However I
began watching the wrong one.. Didn't notice it until 15 minutes into the lecture *sigh* But it's okay.. it was good review I
guess :P Very unproductive day attempting to study.. my study buddy kept yawning.. geez.. so distracting! (lol jk.. hehe) But
regardless.. that neuroscience book needs to be more interesting because it's SOOOO boring.. My brain was definitly yawning..
no excited neurons here.. man I sound like a nerd :P Anyways.. in regards to my last blog.. it's really not about a person..
but boys in general.. yes you! Boys can be ma fan but the problem is that God has placed a desire in women to be with
someone.. And currently I am being challenged both left, right, top and bottom.. A friend one time told me the "right" guy at
the wrong time is not the right guy at all.. God has his heart set on who He sees you with.. and all that is required is
patience for that special someone to come... I plan to be single, I plan to marry the last person I date.. but then again God
can take my plans and break them oh so well.. However, I need to clarify that there's a difference between "wanting the
relationship/giving in" and feeling it at the very essence of your heart.. And my conviction is to not "give in" but to deeply feel it.. (hence accountability.. yes.. all of you guys need to watch over me.. ) And when I do feel it.. it'll be the right time.. :P

What

2005-10-04T13:27:00.000-04:00

What do you do..
When they tell you that you guys are meant to be
When together is all they can see
That you have the right lock to his key

What do you say..
When he tells you you're the only one for him
When he whispers sweet nothings into your ear
When he even sings you your favourite hymn

What do you feel..
when it is the only thing you think of
When it seems like there is nobody else
When it looks like there's no answer from above

Puzzled

2005-10-03T02:27:00.000-04:00

It seems that things have gotten pretty confusing this past week.. a lot of "inner" drama occuring.. Man who would've known a friendly hello could mean so much? So I've dealt with a couple of things.. but I'm still trying to solve a problem with a friend.. but how to do it.. only God knows how to.. so prayer here I come..
So I was doing my paper today.. as some/most of you know.. by 9pm my paper was pretty still in the making (practically non-existent) thanks to a certain few who kept me very well distracted... man.. don't mess with me.. I got A.D.D! I can't deal with that distraction stuff! I'm a major sucker for it basically.. eh... who am I kidding.. hehe I just procastinate.. But yes.. I can't wait till the Jewish holidays so that I can sleep in..
If you can't tell by now.. I'm putting a very different type of blog today.. very vague also.. (well about my feelings anyways) I'm just very confused.. try to collect my thoughts and write/type it down isn't exactly easy right now.. I wish I had a punching bag or have taken fighting class so I can just have a punching bag to beat up.. If I had to encompass in words how I feel, it'll look like this: aifhw9ogjW:e8gWIOEgnwegk x100.. Yup.. it's all jumbled... so if you ever did the jumble thing in the paper.. try to figure that out.. heheheh

Stubborness

2005-09-17T04:30:00.000-04:00

Alright.. another one! Please note that names mentioned here are merely FICTIONAL names and are not intended to refer to anyone that you or I know.. :) Enjoy

Daniel sat down at the station, waiting for his train to arrive. He sighed as the clock struck 6 on his watch, looking right and left for the next train to arrive so that he can go home to his family. Daniel adjusted his glasses and squinted slightly to look at the arrival times of the trains. "5 minutes late" he muttered under his breath, "well at least that's what I think it says.." Getting bored, he starts counting the number of red heads waiting at the station.
Eventually the train comes, Daniel pops out of his seat like an excited pup ready to go out for his daily walk. He crowds around the door of the train like everyone else, hoping to get a seat. Gently pushing his way through the crowd and finally sitting down on a soft comfortable seat for the trip ride home. On Daniel's way home, he passes by the flower shop and decides to pick up yellow roses for his wife. Afterwards, as he walks back home he sees two familiar children at the park. "Daddy!" one shouts and runs towards Daniel. Squinting, Daniel attempts to recognize whether or not these were his children. "Daddy! Daddy! Look at what I found!" Daniel attempts to squint to see what his son held in his hands "A frog..?" His son giggles, "No Daddy! It's a turtle! We found it near the pond! Isn't that cool!?" Daniel chuckles, "Oh sorry kiddo.. you know Daddy's eyes are bad.. Come on now, let's go home" So together they walk home with the flowers in one hand, his briefcase in another and his two children waddling behind him.
"Honey, I'm home!" Squinting again through the house he sees a figure of a woman standing there with her arms cross. "You know you should get new glasses.." Daniel replies with a grin, "Nah, I think these look dashing on me, see! I even got you flowers! Your favourite! Yellow roses.." Daniel's wife takes one look at the flowers and laughs, "Silly! You got me daffodils!" Dazed, Daniel stares blankly at the flowers, "Hmm.. perhaps I maybe do need new glasses.."

In life, we sometimes are so focused on one perspective, one idea that we often forget those around us and especially God's way. We create a lens that sometimes blurs our vision and even affects our focus, causing us to stray and not see things for what they are really for.. Perhaps we should all get a new pair of glasses so that we can see things clearly and be able to discern right from wrong, yellow roses from daffodils.. God's way and our way.. :)

Another piece of the puzzle

2005-09-13T00:56:00.000-04:00

Putting together a puzzle can be a very tricky task, especially when you have those 3000 piece puzzles or more. When you think about it, our world is like a puzzle, each and every single person an intricate piece. All playing one special role in this puzzle called life. The only difference between the puzzles that we put together and this puzzle is that you can't buy this puzzle at any store! (Ha..ha..) But seriously though, the puzzles we buy at the store we can put together and we see the bigger picture (because it's on the box!) and this other "life" puzzle God puts it together and well.. we don't get to see the picture until it's done! So what does that all mean? It means that we
1) God has a plan for all of us
2) We must trust
3) We must obey or we become a "lost" puzzle piece
I don't mean to sound crude when I say "lost" puzzle piece.. but it means that we become one of God's lost sheep and to be frank.. being lost is not the best thing in the world... heck, if probably would be one of the worst things.. To be more in depth, we are all puzzle pieces that all play a special role. Good and bad things happen, all for a reason (re: bigger picture). And without the bad things happening, better things will not happen.. Why do bad things need to happen for good things to occur? It's because it causes us to look to a deeper meaning, to make us realize this hole in our hearts that we inevitably cannot fill with superficial things but with something more meaningful..

Fire

2005-09-11T02:50:00.000-04:00

Hmm.. days of not blogging and this is what I've come up:

A little girl and her father were out camping for the long weekend in the outskirts of town. The little girl loved the outdoors as much as the air was crisp out in the middle of nowhere. She loved watching the night fall and the stars coming out one by one each and everynight and also watching the horizon during the morning when the sun rises. One evening, the little girl's father taught her how to make a fire. "See sweetie," he said, "you have to begin small with tiny pieces of wood so that the fire can catch on." The little girl smiled, watching her father make the fire like she did everytime they went camping. The girl's father beginning placing more and more wood to feed the fire, not too much, but just enough so that the fire will keep burning. The little girl looked up at her father and said, "Daddy, can I try too?". Her father looked down at his child and said, "Of course, go ahead." So the little girl began placing bricks and bricks of firewood, toppling over the fire and eventually extinguishing it. "Oh no Daddy!" she cried, "The fire's gone!" The little girl's father saw his daughter's anguished face and said, "It's okay, we can make another one.." So as the father set out to make another fire, the little girl asked, "Daddy, is it okay if I try again?" Of course, the father replied, "Sure darling, but be sure to not add too much this time." So again, the little girl began placing pieces of wood, slowly, one at a time. It seemed okay at first but it looked as if the fire was slowly diminishing. The girl watched the fire slowly die out and looked at her father in utter confusion...

So what does this story have to do with our lives? We are like the fire, and we at times do too many things at once or we do too little at once. Doing either or will cause us to extinguish (suffocation of too much "wood" aka things to do) or doing too little will cause us to be hungry for wood, causing us to eventually die off. For a good fire, you need the right amount of firewood to sustain the fire. Same with our lives, for a good life, we need the right amount of things on our plate. We cannot be too cluttered or too uncluttered.. God asks us to serve, He has a purpose for us. But we must be able to discern what He wants us to do and what we (or other people) want us to do. When we do things that are not within His will, we become cluttered and eventually burn out due to exhaustion.

Okay.. that's enough for me.. teehee :) Now off to bed!

Carousel Sushi.. Mmm..

2005-08-12T13:44:00.000-04:00

Well, back home in comfort again.. I was really homesick on the last day.. Probably due to the long car ride home (8 hours!!!) and it was just so nauseating to sit there and do absolutely nothing.. I felt like I was really wasting so much time.. Regardless, I really did have a good time.. lots of 3rd/4th wheel action going on.. but I won't get into that too much.. But I must say there were lots of uncomfortable situations.. But being the obnoxious person that I am.. I either "ruined" the moments or just plainly ignored it.. which wasn't so hard since everyone was in their own little world anyway.. so.. let me recap of what I did:
Day 1: Sat in the car while David drove all the way down to Woodbury *yay*
Day 2: Went to NYC by train, went to Soho, Chinatown, Rockafeller, Times Square, Central Park.. (very tiring..) through that went to Nike Town.. LV, Burberry.. Toys 'r' us, etc.. (haha, just cuz I wanted to.. even though I wouldn't be able to afford anything :P)
Day 3: Went to Jersey Gardens, went to eat carousel sushi *yum!* uhh.. and waited for David's friend.. but he "fonged us fay gay" lol
Day 4: went to Woodbury again! Did some last minute shopping.. then came back to Toronto hehe
I was really awesome however, just spending some time with bros and sis.. Living with one another was funny, especially at the end when we started getting bitter with each other lol.. More recap later.. especially on David's laziness and clumsiness.. need more rest for now.. :P

Captivating

2005-08-08T02:04:00.000-04:00

I'm going to head to NY in a matter of 7 hours now.. kinda excited and nervous at the same time.. Never really went with friends on a road trip so far away from home. Wish I could see them all one last time before I left but I had to work on a stupid Sunday *sigh* oh well.. I'll miss you all :P And hopefully I don't get nauseated by the boys driving.. heh heh.. can't wait till I go to NYC China town to eat those shanghai dumplings.. or whatever they're called.. (sew long bou? Er.. I'm horrible at this but oh well!) That's all I have to say for now!

If you're wondering why the title is called "captivating" it was actually just used to catch your eye.. lol jk! Well.. I'm beginning my new devo bookwhich someone gave to me for my birthday.. Yes, I haven't started it till now because I just finished reading another one today (at work.. hehe!) so hopefully I can get a good start on that book and finish it before summer is done! (If only I had more free time.. grrness! hehe)

Breathing..

2005-08-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

I feel that sometimes I am lacking for time.. although I don't feel that I am really doing anything.. I feel that lately I've been doing a lot of crushing but not enough mending..

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there

Talk about pessimism.. Or maybe I'm just very confused right at this point in time.. Not exactly sure what and where I should do.. I feel my life is set here infront of me.. But I'm not ready to tackle it on.. not all of it.. not right now.. So currently, just digesting all that has happened.. Chewing through the situations, the events.. not really thinking of what could've happened or what should've happened.. more of why things happened the way they did and what I can learn from it as an individual..

So days away from my NYC trip.. hopefully Willie and I won't feel like 3rd/4th wheel.. Perhaps I should stay oblivious to couples holding one another or just sleep through it or complain.. hehe Speaking of couples.. I realized (okay, it's not my first realization..) that it really is uncomfortable when they got all mushy and lovey dovey infront of public... Especially when they're you're friends! Like.. what do you do when they are infront of you, kissing?? Do you just sit there and watch?? Cuz that'd be kinda rude.. or take them individually one by one and point to them their faults only just to get a reaction where they're highly offended because they think you dislike their "significant other" or that you're jealous that you don't have one... But all in all.. it isn't Godly or healthy for that matter to just focus on each other within a dating relationship.. if anything.. it should just be focusing on God.. together.. Physical affection should only come after commitment to God.. not before.. Because when you don't have your focus on God, things go wrong..

No Name Title

2005-08-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

Well.. SC '05 has come to a close... so many things happened... so many awkward moments.. but all and all.. I've developed some close bonds with people.. created a support system.. and am able to stand up on my own two feet again.. When it comes down to it.. it makes you realize how close ET community is.. and all the flaws we have.. never knew living together could be so chaotic.. Just wishing that I was just *watching* the soap.. and was never really part of it.. but God used me in such a way that I never could've thought before... and now I am here..

So what now..
er.. I am not really sure.. I wish I knew too.. just taking it one step at a time is all that I can do.. need to see if my PB is alright.. really.. it's just too much emotional drama this weekend.. but it caused us to bond so much.. so I really thank God for what has happened.. all the good and bad..

Things to ponder and to digest:
Should I get my guitar back from my uncle and start learning?? Ooo.. the thought of it just hurts! Perhaps I should just stick to singing.. or the drums look quite amusing.. but I know that I won't be able to keep myself on beat.. :P
TLT.. what is happening to it!? What happened to all the people? :P
Should I start a new devo.. or continue to do the one I've been trying to get through??
Accountability partner.. the more I think about it.. the more I realize that having a female one is good too..

Being Commited

2005-06-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been talking to a couple of people about commitment and what it really means to be commited. Some say that if you say you are commited.. you should walk the talk.. Others say that it really depends on your situation in life.. But trying to be commited as you can be is good enough.. For example, commitment in softball. Some people are not as commited as others may be due to certain reasons... Is it because they don't see softball as serious as other people? That *may* be a possibility.. Some people I assume see softball as a leisure activity that they take part of and (to be frank...) see it as nothing else.. Y'know, just to fill up those Saturday/Sunday afternoons with nothing to do.. In the eyes of leaders, however, this is like treachery to them (okay, I'm over exaggerating) but it seems like they don't seem very devoted to the softball ministry and as a result their integrity as a softball player decreases (and possibly as a person..). I mean as leaders, I really don't think that we should "give them the short end of the stick" so to say.. but perhaps change their perspective on the importance of softball (especially if that player is a Christian!!!!) and perhaps see things their way as opposed to being upset about lack of commitment..

Hey, I could be wrong.. it's early in the morning.. *ha*

When it comes..

2005-06-17T10:26:00.000-04:00

Today I felt like I needed to change my image somewhat.. because I called the insurance company today.. and they tried to scam me! I was planning to put my brother's name on the insurance and they claim that they have to put my brother as the primary driver and me as the secondary ... At first.. I was really surprised because I've never heard of such a thing before and then later I kind of complained to a couple of people and came into conclusion that the insurance was scamming me.. *fumes* I felt like I was being too passive and not as demanding as I should have been when it comes to people like this.. If perhaps I was a bit more aggresive.. :P

-------------------------------

On another note.. a little bit about retreat:
Man.. was a stressful! I came in being stressed.. both Willie and I were just exhausted due to the amount of things we had to finish before the retreat began.. at those times.. I was just so desperate and hungry for God because I felt so empty and weary that I needed Him to just help me and comfort me through camp... Then it hit me.. faster and heavier than any ton of bricks can.. That He wanted me to be desperate and hungry.. out of my comfort zone.. (the whole theme of the retreat!) that when we are OUT of out comfort zone... when we're stripped away of our layers of security blankets.. we are left standing naked with nothing to hide.. with no material possesions or honourary titles... we stand before God with nothing.. And it felt like that during retreat.. when there was nothing to cling onto.. when all hope was on Him... When I felt like the world was crumbling down on me.. there was God in the midst of it.. :)

Retreat was a really overwhelming experience.. it was really a time of family gathering.. getting to know my family a little bit more... knowing what they wanted to do... their aspirations.. desires... passions for God.. when they wake up.. when they sleep.. how they snore.. whether they talk in their sleep... and just all these things... It really didn't matter about the discussions.. whether we understood the theme or what not.. because we were experiencing it! It's amazing how God takes our plans... breaks them... and changes them...

----------------------------------------

So to recap how my week has been.. Well.. I'm finally free of exams!!! Until the Fall.. which will come around and hit me very soon I bet.. *sniff sniff* But yea.. the couple of days before my exam.. I was cramming like I never crammed before.. Kind of amazed at how much information can fit into my brain at one time but really.. I'm kinda releived that things are over... but I am not to say that there could be a more bumpier road ahead... For now.. I'll just go work out.. and "sit" in the Lord's presence... until He nudges me somewhere else..

Being responsible

2005-06-06T13:38:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't blogged.. in like the longest of times and I apologize :( :( I've been so caught up with work and school this past week that it's literally been killing me. But regardless, being responsibile for retreat has left me tired and stressed.. I guess it's due to the fact that I've been stressing over so many things when I should just give things up to God.. However, I don't think it's right to just "plop" everything on God's desk and expect Him to do His "magic".. There needs to be action.. yet that action should be for God's glory and not for your own I guess..

Anyways.. to recap I guess what I've been doing for the past week or so.. I've been.. working and school basically.. doing meet ups for retreat... working.. working.. did I mention working? It's becoming so detrimental to my health and well-being.. and it's honestly overwhelming at times.. If it weren't for God blessing me with friends I really think that I'd go nuts :P Kudos to my prayer buddie.. :D :D We actually talked outside of the day we were supposed to :P but it was honestly truly a blessing.. Yesterday had a LOT of good talks with some good friends of mine.. :) But yea... getting back to my title.. Being responsible.. I think that it honestly is a big factor especially as a leader/head of something.. Like you can't depend on anyone/thing else other than your own self when it comes to leading something.. And when you are not appropriately doing your job, others can see it (leaders and non-leaders in general) and it becomes detrimental to the organization that you are leading/part of/etc.. As a result, the leading becomes so ineffective.. and the organization becomes so dead.. that the people part of the organization (as members) find the organization to be such a boring, sad and in general not a good experience..

On a good note.. umm.. I have no good note.. It's a nice day today??? Hehehhe.. but yea.. gonna be doing some retreat stuff *yay* and shopping.. hehehe for retreat :P yea not what you were thinking eh..

Being sacrificial

2005-05-25T13:20:00.000-04:00

I realized more and more that when you have more (materialistically) it becomes more and more difficult to give it up.. I mean God has blessed us with so many things that we may use it in return to worship Him but when we use it differently.. Things begin to change.. We start becoming selfish and refuse to give our all to God.. We become so consumed in what makes money, what makes us popular, what makes US pleased.. And when God asks for us to worship Him with what we do.. we refuse because we do not want to let the glory go.. we do not want to let the temporary happiness go.. It's funny because when you think about it life is just so temporary and yet we cannot give it up for something so eternal and true..

Another note: Inner rage is pented up inside of me.. sometimes it is so hard to be good because that's when other people see you as weak and take advantage of you..

Today: Studying for midterm.. which is tommorow *sigh* talk about being last minute.. well I skipped Star Wars for studying.. oh well.. at least I'll look back at this in 4th year and thank God when I have a thousand things (less a few) piling up on me because I took extra courses.. :P :P

Yeet Hay!

2005-05-23T02:57:00.000-04:00

Yea.. so totally yeet hay from all that bbqing business... I feel so unhealthy because all I've been eating is junk lately.. teehee.. other than that.. I've been pondering a lot about certain things... On Friday, we were talking about stepping up for commitee... and a certain individual made a really good comment about why we do not step up and how we should take responsibility for our own fellowship and what not.. and I honestly do agree with that... In order for an organization (in general) to grow.. there must be commitment and people that "work" within the organization...However.. the people within the organization don't seem to be helping out so well.. I mean.. the learning process within a classroom takes two people, one is the teacher and the other is the student. Both of these entities must put in some effort for things to work out.. I mean.. God says to depend on Him.. but not to fully depend on Him where you do nothing at all and expect Him to do everything for you.. one must let God work through him and not Him working for you... so to speak..

Other thoughts: fellowship and church in itself can be so shallow... When all else fails on you.. You have only yourself to blame for placing your dependence on these things..

Count Down

2005-05-16T14:53:00.000-04:00

It's almost been two months since my g'rents left for HK and do I ever miss them oh so much.. But as much as I miss them, I'll miss the feeling of independency and being able to just sit at home by myself and cuddle up to a good book.. It truly feels peaceful honestly to have the feeling of finishing everything and you just have nothing else to do but just relax, reflect and thank God for all He's given you..

Last night, or more of.. earlier in the morning, had a good talk with a fellow brother.. It was a much needed talk as I have not talked to him in such a long time.. Honestly, it's been a while since I talked to him and I found it truly a blessing that we can still open up to one another... Regardless of how long I haven't talked to him, we can still be very close.. :)

Now last night, was a hectic, yet a fun time.. BBQ at my house! *yay* it was quite last minute and unprepared... but thanks to all those that helped out in terms of cooking and cleaning up.. :) Good times in the kitchen with the bread toasting and washing too.. Doing things like that honestly doesn't seem like a chore when you're with a friend.. :) :)

Today:
Need to.. buy a movie to do a research paper *grr*, vacuum.. buy some food for the fridge.. cuz my fridge is empty *sniff sniff* .. umm.. study for a test.. (ha... as if I'd get to that today..) But yes.. looking forward to Thursday.. I love Thursdays :)

Ambivalence

2005-05-12T12:30:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been feeling two different emotions towards the same thing.. Like.. love and hate towards a certain person/object or what not.. And it drives me nuts... There are times where I just want to give up and forget about everything so I needn't stress anymore.. like school.. or work.. Things are very unclear to me right now.. I know I shouldn't worry.. because God will provide all things.. and He will never give me anything that I cannot take.. But it feels unbearable at this point in time..

On another note.. I need to refire up my passion for softball.. the season's starting up and I feel so consumed with other things that I have to do.. I need to take a step back and breathe for a moment.. softball.. retreat.. TLT... summer school.. work.. it's honestly getting to me.. I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes at the amount of things I do.. Not saying I don't enjoy it.. I just need a breather I guess..

Responsibility, what's that?

2005-05-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

Ehh.. been peeved lately about the lack of passion for Christ and the role of leadership and how it has been lacking lately in the domains of fellowship and other types of minitries among church... However, it has taught me a lesson.. (more of like a reminder... but yea)
1) People cannot be depended as much as you hope..
2) Only God is reliable..

Another thing that happened this past week is that I shared with someone about my life... and then he told me that he knew so little about people in the fellowship and it made me realize that I didn't know a lot about other people's lives also.. Like I can say a couple of things about a certain individual but when it comes down to the nitty gritty.. it all becomes a blur to me... it makes me wonder how much I know God like whether I know all the nitty gritty about Him.. and I have a feeling that if I ever get quizzed on the Bible.. I'd probably.. er.. KNOWINGLY fail.. But besides that point.. it's not easy but TOUGH.. er.. :D :D No..it's more of like.. God will show me to Him when I search.. (you know.. the whole seek and you shall find aspect..)

Solitude

2005-05-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

There are times when I miss them, even though I deny it on the surface.. I miss them so much, I can't wait till I see them at the end of the month because it's been a while since the sink was clean.. it's been a while since I had a nice home cooked meal.. it's been a while since I sat down and ate as a big family.. The house feels empty when I walk into it.. no one to say hi to, and no one to come home to.. It's a lonely feeling, but this is just a taste of how my life might be like when I get older..

sushi buffeting... steaking.. good meals ... need to work out again or I'd probably balloon teehee..

went to school today and enjoyed some good old class... met this guy who had an obsession with Tigger... *totally weirded out* but I'm not to judge I guess.. Tigger shirt... pen.. bracelet... orange and black hair.. what was I to think? Well he even told me.. but yea.. hehe and also... guys have to shave their *sexy* legs for athletic injuries!! lol unless they'd want Gus to wax their legs... :D :D

A name is just a name

2005-04-27T19:53:00.000-04:00

Today I was working on the softball list, doing demographics and what not and well what do you know.. so far all players are "Christians".. I think there were some things wrong with this conclusion (based on what the findings of the registration forms filled out by the players) that one can say that they are a Christian... but then again, what truly defines a Christian?? Prior to registration we assumed that there were more non Christians (at least 3 and more unsures).. Don't get me wrong I'm not dissapointed at the Christian/Non-Christian ratio (in fact if anything I think I'm quite happy about it) but it just made me question about what a Christian really is.. if it really is just having faith without action.. or action without faith... is it the way you walk your life, or the way you speak your mind.. How does one know that they are Christian, or differentiate themselves with Non-Christians?? I mean, in the Bible, there are many passages associated with being a Christian.. like in 1 Peter 4, it talks about a Christian is a person who suffers persecution because they praise God.. but I mean not a lot of people really go through persecution (major persecution anyways) in North America.. so yea.. another 2 cents..

On another note.. I had work today, it was okay, getting paid for not doing much.. flipping through magazines... calling people... hehehe fun times.. I need more visits :D :D *hint hint* hopefully I don't work on my bday -_-

My point of view

2005-04-26T09:59:00.000-04:00

Clubbing: a place to get together with strangers and friends and get physically intimate with them without getting to know them first. I hate.. okay, I dislike the whole clubbing scene and how it promotes sexuality and sin.. Even when Christians go.. How does one justify themself? That they will "hold back" and fight their temptations?? Or that it's just "chilling with friends"? The whole scene itself is a temptation; girls who are wearing almost nothing, guys who are dressed up nicely.. and I honestly don't think the alcohol helps either.. What's the point? To feel wanted? (is this the type of want you think is good?) To meet new people? Are these the people you would truly depend on in the midst of trouble.. that you would want your kids to meet and think are cool.. do you want your kids to be led into the same thing?
There's something wrong with the clubbing scene.. maybe not for the people who enjoy it.. but for Christians.. It's like at one point they are living a Godly life.. but at the same time.. they go clubbing.. Some may say that their intent is not to meet and see scantly clad girls, but just to chill.. sounds weird... like watching porn without the intent of "getting into it" or what not.. or like going to a movie without the intent to watch it.. going to a friend's house without the intent to see/visit them..

I don't know.. I'm confused... but if I offended anyone, sorry. It's just something I'd like to get off my chest..

A new day.. new beginning

2005-04-20T11:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was such a lovely day.. with the humidity and the smog and all.. I realized how much we do to his planet.. we pollute the air and destroy our own environments so that we get things like lung cancer and asthma.. have an immense amount of garbage until we're almost swimming in it... I don't know it seems kinda sad to waste so much.. like to just so easily throw away what God has blessed us with.. (I'm not trying to say keep all your garbage.. but keeping it to a minimal amount sounds good.. eh?)

Anyways.. onto another story.. I'm done my exams! Woohoo! However.. I'm planning to take summer school this year.. (only for a 1.5 months) and the good thing is that it's only on tuesdays and thursdays.. so I'm free all other times :D :D It honestly feels awesome to be free.. yesterday I went to work out.. today I went swimming early early in the morning (6:30 ish)... and I smell like chlorine.. *sniff sniff* oh well.. and I also got a new cage for my chinchilla! (Well.. actually Chris just gave me his old rabbit cage and I kinda just decorated it a bit so it looks pretty and "Chinchilla-like") ^_____^

Yea.. other than those randomness kinda things, I realized I needed to start stressing a bit on other things.. such as getting TLT into top noth gear.. cuz lately everyone has been done about school and stuff.. so it seems.. and I also want to start doing more planning for spring retreat this year.. (YOU HAVE TO GO!! It's gonna be awesome!!!) and on top of that.. softball is another issue that must be dealt with.. Honestly.. praise God for letting me be able to serve Him in all these things.. :) :) Without Him.. honestly, there would be no way..

Today: Going BBQ... hopefully.. I heard there's gonna be a thunderstorm? But I don't know.. we'll see if Euge calls it off.. hehe

On the last stretch..

2005-04-16T10:25:00.000-04:00

I'm finally done!!!! ... Almost! Hehehehe Man.. I feel like I've been hibernating for a while now.. Missing whoever I haven't talked to... I mean.. Kine friends do get boring sometimes.. lol jk jk!! (Hopefully none of them read this...) Study groups are so unproductive... well to an extent.. because we just basically review things.. and we don't go through things that need understanding.. but oh well.. review is good regardless.. Maybe I'll go today again.. :D :D Stats will be a hard one I think... Merv's just gonna bring us all down with him *sniff sniff* (Merv is my Stats prof.. he's cool ... and fair.. sometimes.. a little bit TOO fair that I feel that it's unfair lol) But yea.. there's been a lot of comtemplation.. especially with what I am doing here.. studying Kine.. (I swear I was gonna marry rich.. hahaha jk) but seriously.. I realized that people around me aren't really Christian.. (except for the CCF posse.. and some odd ones here and there *cough cough* Chris.. lol) and I realized that it can come to 2 things.. 1) I affect them 2) They affect me.. and right now.. it's a lil bit of 1 and 2.. hehe but honestly the friends I have aren't all that bad.. they're awesome people.. just lacking the faith.. it's like.. being good without having the purpose of serving God.. But I realized that imposing religion on these people won't do much.. except make them dislike you.. but if they see your actions and perserverance.. everything else changes.. (honestly.. actions do mean so much more than words..) :) :)

My plans after exams:
1. sushi buffeting with Kine students.. (ha.. ha.. we're supposed to be healthy.. but.. hey fish is healthy!!)
2. Sleep in and in and in... (and never wake up?? lol jk)
3. Work out again! (to burn all that junk food I ate off.. and that sushi.. lol)
4. Go clubbing..???? (Ehh... obligated I guess.. )
5. Go chilaxing till I get sick of seeing my friends
6. Be a loner for a while
7. Go back to school for 1.5 months *sniff sniff*

To be more in depth..

2005-04-09T21:35:00.000-04:00

My second blog of the day! Well.. actually, I'm just taking a break from studying so much... I first was at home studying social science .. my horrific philosophical course.. I swear I'm so screwed for that course... so anyone reading this, please please please pray for me.. :) :) And later went to Unionville library to study a bit until I got kicked out cuz the place closes at 5.. and here I am again.. at home.. being distrated as usual :D :D I think I should study at the library more often because there's so little distractions and you can't go on your comp to do things like.. blog... surf the net... look outside, wishing you were there having a great time.. My goodness.. Speaking of which... God really blessed me with so many days to just relax and study without the stressful cramming situations (even though I have 4 exams in 5 gruesome days..) I feel at ease because God blessed me with a job that has so much flexibility that I can take enough days off so that I can study.. and also reflect on my life.. God honestly doesn't give you more than you can handle.. and when it seems that there's too much .. God speaks to you and comforts you in times of trouble.. whether it be through people.. through his word.. or just however He wants... (you know how creative He can be..) I've been having a lot of relational problems with a lot of people... and it caused me to be really stressed... but with God's help.. my friend gave me a book (I kissed dating goodbye) and well it talks about relationships (no duh..) and it talked about how in relationships.. any type of relationship.. it's not a "all about me" uthing.. it's helping that other person .. even if it does not benefit yourself. Now that's Christian love... :) :) and also.. there was this other part.. on a website.. erm.. I'll have to find it cuz I don't remember what it is.. but it talked about within a relationship, it's not "you complete me".. you first become completed in order to be able to handle a relationship in a mature and serious manner. This honestly relates back to my social science class about universally developed individuals and how within a relationship, both partners have to be "universally developed" (where they appreciate beauty, love and truth within the realms of freedom) and mutually recognize one another.. (in English: both partners have to be developed and completed people first, (who are able to freely appreciate art, love and truth) in order to mutually and truly love one another..) Seems so simple... but there's so much more depth to life than just being complete.. it makes people so complex and intricate.. God is so cool... :) :)

My time of blah

2005-04-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

Yay blogging once again...I'm trying to keep it up but sometimes it's difficult to keep it
up.. But I will try .. for Darren hahahaha since I haven't talked to that kid in SOOOO
long... yea I'm talking to you! And everyone else that I don't really get to talk to anymore
:( :( But oh wellsss.... Last nite was a fun night... Congee Star = good times! And also all
that amazingly yummy food.. man.. that was so awesome hahaha kudos to my ordering! lol (and
also Amy's and Eug's..) I came home at like.. 1-ish... but I didn't sleep until 3 last
night... (sleeping schedule is out of whack lol) but the day before.. I woke up at 6:30
again!! I'm having such terrible time sleeping... when it's like the my fave thing to do :oh well.. hehe I guess I'm getting old now.. -_- can't sleep like a baby anymore.. and
needing to exercise to prevent myself from getting fatter... hahahhaa

Negligence..

2005-04-07T10:13:00.000-04:00

These past couple of days have been a killer. There has been a lot of stresses on my back, especially with family... (heh.. the only family I've got... and I end up arguing with them.. kinda sad ain't it?) But what can I say other than.. "c'est la vie"? I can't believe I woke up so early today... (6:30am) and I usually never wake up this early for school either! I just came back from working out.. in my "backyard".. (if you've been to my house.. you'd know heheh) and then my stoopid mp3 player died on me.. well in terms of batteries so I was like.. "blargh" all the way home.. hehe cuz of no music!!! *sniff sniff* it's okay I guess.. man.. it's been... the 3rd week since my g-rents left... status of the fridge: actually not empty at all! But just filled with condiments and nothing really "edible" .. like healthy kinda edible.. except for some awesome fruits Chris got me.. hahahha you're awesome.. lol that'll be my food for the day hehehe that was like.. the high light of my day.. since lately I've been a tad under the weather so I haven't really like gone out and done much (and I couldn't really anyways because of exams.. so hello to no life!) so having someone come and greet me with fruits hahaha.. that was awesome.. :) On top of that... while writing this.. I've been conversing with someone I never really got a chance to converse with and he told me something that I really have been neglecting lately.. which is the Bible... I do other devos and stuff but I realized that in my times of need.. devos aren't the things that truly help you.. friends sometimes won't be there to go through those harsh times with you.. God is the one who swifts you off your feet and carries you through those times of trouble and tell you that everything will be okay as long as you have your heart set on Him ... Again.. I realized I forgot to depend on the most reliable... instead I turn to those around me.. Even though God knows me best... knows my up times.. and my down times.. Knows what upsets me... knows what makes me happy.. all these things.. But really.. I couldn't do it without a reminder from that person... I don't even know whether or not I should call that person a friend... but just a brother in Christ..

Noitcefninfection

2005-04-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Today was productive and unproductive in their own little ways.... it felt like as if I got nothing done.. but in actuality I got a bit done.... I studied until my brain seem to not be able to absorb anymore... (at times like this I wish I was spongebob....) hehe but no really... I did like 4-5 hours of good old studying... which was quite yum (my new word.. "yum") but unproductive in terms of relationships with people... It's been some months and nothing really has happened.. I don't know anymore... Given up? .. Maybe... maybe not... but honestly.. everything is up to God to decide..

On a side note.. I have an earring hole infection thing mada bob... must stop wearing earrings... -_- but they're so pretty!!! Aie... the sufferings that a girl must go through... lol

My Life Story?

2005-03-30T20:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I wrote something up around here... Again, I've been under the influence of someone (not going to say whom..) to write up something again.. Preferably my life story they said O_o .. Geez how can someone write up 20 years in a matter of paragraphs... lol unless they really had no life whatsoever.. But anyways... lately there has been a lot of change since the last time I blogged.. Life has gotten a lot hectic.. and sometimes a bit lonely.. but through that.. I found what was important to me and what I need in my life can sometimes be difficult to obtain.. like a boyfriend for example.. well.. I don't think I really need a boyfriend, just perhaps someone that takes care of me and spoils me down right to the bone.. (a man slave maybe?) Nah.. I'm just joking boys and girls.. but really.. love life isn't really a topic I'd like to get into because I really don't know what's happening right now anyways.. There are times where I think I'm fine and dandy.. but other times it just seems troubling.. (due to the demand.. and lack of supply lol)
Exams are coming up too! And for 2.5 weeks of my life... I will actually not have a life! Since all my exams are clumped up altogether in a pretty little package of 5 days.. But before that starts.. there was stressful events... such as softball.. (man this brings up a whole whack of other problems altogether) how there is a brewing of a second seniors team and what not.. I don't know what to think of it.. but there have been a lot of rants and raves.. and people getting upset.. people feeling deceived.. There was a lot of misconceptions... but I just pray that God will help those in that time of need..
I've also been doing a lot of contemplation as to where I want to head in life.. Especially in terms of studies and what I can accomplish (I mean.. if I could.. I would want to do my Masters... that is.. if I even get accepted in the first place.. and then staying in and doing well is a whole different ball game) or go into other types of schooling.. If worse comes to worse.. I decided to take culinary arts and make awesome food for my husband lol

Day 4..

2004-11-26T18:35:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!! I just needed to get that off my chest.. I'm just.. missing you so incredibly much and I can't help but think that life just totally sucks without you.. Aside from that.. it's been 4 days since the unfortunate incident.. so much is going through my head... sometimes I wish I can totally concentrate on school... but then.. I am human.. -_- so therefore... I just can't help but think about stuff.. about life.. about the whole situation where everything seems so lifeless and dull now.. Having a massive state of mixed emotions.. like.. happiness, sadness, anger, greif, dispair.. all stuffed in a blender and mixed into a smoothie that tastes bittersweet.. regardless.. I think that my decision is right.. because it's still for God... and without Him... there's no reason for me..

Other than that.. I got a crummy mark in Anatomy.. -_- oh well.. c'est la vie!

Day 3...

2004-11-25T14:50:00.000-05:00

Well.. three days since that day... still surviving *yay* but what can I say.. things get tough.. especially when the person who you depend on most of the time isn't around.. TLT's tonite.. praying that things will lighten up there ... a cold day... and it sucks especially when there's no place for those people to stay.. :/ Maybe I'll get into a deep convo.. but it's hard cuz I'm not too talkative.. keke

Day 2..

2004-11-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

Well.. what can I say... it's my "first" blog... hehe sorry Darren I just need to make one where I don't exlude anyone.. heheh but life is.... inexplicable at this moment in time... too many things occuring all at once... everything's so blurry.. (heheh Puddle of Mud...) but God has helped me so much.. and I truly thank Him for that.. especially for the words of wisdom he brought into my life.. (Kirsten, Tammy.. Crissy Prissy.. Darren... ) you guys helped me tons... like words of wisdom! or just for comforts sake.. Things right now needs some getting used to... but I guess we'll see where life leads this poor tired soul around.. hehe oh well.. c'est la vie!